Learning how to French kiss can be easier said than done. But a little practice makes perfect, and few subjects are as fun to study. Because it’s true what they say: a truly amazing, off the wall, blockbuster movie-style kiss has enough power to make you dizzy and weak in the knees. When a French kiss hits, and you’re doing it with the right person, it can honestly feel like time stands still.
Sound cheesy? Who cares! Kissing can seriously be the best, and when you’re making out with someone you really click with, playing it cool becomes next-to-impossible anyway. . Even for those of us who’ve gotten older, moved into adulthood, and gained more experience with things other than kissing, deep kissing doesn’t lose its appeal.
Of course, kissing is an ~art~ and it takes time to hone your craft. Trust me, no matter how many times you’ve locked lips, we all have anxiety about being “bad” kissers, and we’ve all Googled “what to do with your tongue when you kiss.” So if you’re feeling stressed about figuring out how to kiss with tongue, you’re not alone.
The French kiss is not something every single person can automatically do with no practice or tips. TBH, for the vast majority of us, putting a tongue in someone’s mouth can feel a little scary if you’ve never done it before (and even when you have). After all, you want to have that incredible, weak-kneed, dizzy kissing session — not a slobbery dog-like experience where someone spits all over you. To get there, taking it a little slowly is best. Those passionate, French kiss-filled makeout sessions in movies may look impulsive and spur-of-the-moment, but in real life, you don't want to "just go for it." That’s partly because you always want to ask before you kiss someone, to be sure it’s something you both want to do. And it’s also partly because deep kissing done right doesn’t just *snap fingers* happen. It’s something you build up toward.
Ready to get schooled on how to tongue kiss? We asked people with years of experience in locking lips for their tips on how to French kiss properly, with slobber and tooth-knocking to a minimum. Read on for a step-by-step breakdown below. But first, let’s make sure we’re clear on what French kissing is and what all the fuss is about anyway.
In this article, you’ll find:
What is a French kiss?
French kissing goes by a few different names: deep kissing, making out, snogging, tongue kissing, and necking. The idea is simple in theory: The only difference between “regular” kissing and French kissing is that the latter involves a bit of tongue, which requires both parties' mouths to be at least partly open while smooching. Exactly how much tongue French kissing involves is completely up to those doing the kissing.
French kissing is a relatively new phrase to the English language and culture, arriving in the U.S. (and Britain) in the early 1900s. It earned its name because French culture was thought to be a bit more sexually adventurous and passionate. Ironically, the French’s own name for kissing with tongue — baiser florentin, in use since the early 1800s — translates to “kiss like the Florentines.” (For the record, while the history of kissing with tongue specifically is a bit harder to trace than the history of romantic kissing as a whole, neither Italy or France is likely to have invented it. Our first recorded reference to sexual kissing comes from a 2400 B.C. Sumerian clay text, and a Smithsonian Magazine review of early recorded kisses dates “deep kissing” to around the same time, when Bronze Age migrations meant that Eurasian and European populations were mixing for the first time.)
Why do we French kiss?
Beyond when people started kissing with tongue, why do we do it? The mouth is full of erogenous zones, so kissing with tongue often feels different and can add a new dimension to making out. Our lips in general are packed with nerve endings and highly sensitive to our emotional state, and leaving them relaxed and open during kissing — with some gentle tongue play involved — may make a smooch-fest feel more intimate and allow for deeper kissing compared to a tightly puckered-up smooch.
That said, kissing with tongue isn’t the only way to make out — and not everyone enjoys it. Some people find it thrilling, while others may find it overwhelming, a little gross, or just not their thing. You don’t have to like French kissing to be a good kisser or to have chemistry with someone! What matters most is tuning into what feels good for you and your partner, and knowing that open-mouth kissing is just one option on the makeout menu.
If you think French kissing is a menu option you want to try, cool! We asked a bunch of lip-locking pros the question that’s probably on your mind: “How do you French kiss?” Here’s what they told us, broken down into easy steps for some stress-free, spit-swapping fun.
How to French kiss, step by step
So, you’ve got the butterflies and a willing partner, and you’re ready to get (literally) tongue tied. Now what? Here’s how to French kiss for the first time, step by step, with tips to help you feel confident, curious, and totally in the moment. Whether you’re nervous or just want to know how to French kiss properly, the experts we heard from have you covered.
All lips are good lips — let’s start there! But if you want to dress them up a bit for the occasion, there are a couple of routes you can take. Lip gloss can be tempting… and it can also make a complete mess. Same goes for lipstick. If you want to soften things up for your partner, consider a bit of lip balm. You can reapply as much as you want without worrying about all of it ending up on someone else’s face.
Making the first move can be intimidating, but someone has to do it. If you’ve decided to take it on, make sure and take careful note of your partner’s body language. Small, flirtatious touches can go a long way, but being direct is another good option. Telling someone you want to kiss them (and making sure they’re on the same page) can be a really empowering experience. Starting off with some thoughtful conversation and good questions to ask your crush are often the best way to set the scene.
Like with any other kiss or sexual situation, you want to make sure you’re in a comfortable place. Attempting a French kiss on a crowded bus is going to be much less fun than in the park or at home. Even better if you’re somewhere you can control the music, put on some mood lighting, and light a candle or two. Keep in mind that comfort levels are different for everyone, and the spaces you feel comfortable kissing may not be the same for your partner. This is a great conversation topic that will not only help you navigate this particular situation, but get to know your partner better.
“Be passionate, and prescient, while simultaneously being able to fully enjoy the moment...it also really gives you a leg up if you love the person you're kissing.” -Greg, 12 years of kissing experience.
Kissing is half technique, half bonafide excitement. No matter how excited you are there, sometimes a little restraint can be a good move. You want to let the other person know that you’re really enjoying the make-out without smashing your face against your partner’s like you're trying to smoosh your faces together into one big face.
“Never assume you have automatic consent (full stop) to force your tongue into someone else's mouth. Like all manner of foreplay, you should start with the basics before working your way up to speaking fluid French. And even then, it's not an inevitable destination; if your partner is pointedly not joining you part-way while you work your way through the French alphabet, take their cues and temper your passion accordingly.” -Matt, 10 years of kissing experience.
So, you’re kissing someone and it’s going really well. Maybe you want to move into ~tongue kissing~? Don’t just go for it with reckless abandon. Start by lightly touching your tongue on their lips. See if they’re into it. If they are, your partner will likely part their lips, or touch their tongue to yours. If you're not sure, always ask if it's OK. Remember, kissing doesn’t always mean tongue kissing!
On that note, the last thing you want to do is aggressively snake into someone's mouth with your tongue. Take it slow. Feel it out. You may have seen intense, wild kissing like that in movies — but it rarely works out that way in real life (at least not right in the beginning).
“You suck on the upper lip. It’s all about the upper lip! Like a gentle giant.” -Malgosia, 10 years of kissing experience.
I’m not talking about stopping mid-kiss so you can spend a full five or six seconds sucking on your partner’s upper lip. That would obviously be weird. Instead, while you’re kissing gently, take a second, take your partner’s upper lip in your mouth just for a moment, suck it, and then go back to kissing. This doesn’t mean the full upper lip, just the cupid’s bow (the very tip of the upper lip).
If you’re making out for a long time, interludes such as this can add some fresh excitement.
“Don't move your jaw too quickly or too slowly. Kissing is a conversation and it's important to get the rhythm down before you start going for any Guinness records.” -Zack, 8 years of kissing experience.
Kissing is kind of a fluid motion. You go in, kiss a little, pull back for air a little, go in a little and so on. When you’re into it, try to keep the movements slow and even. You don’t have to go nuts with the motions, which can cause some jaw pain and be hella awkward.
“It’s a dance between your two tongues. Not a competition to see who can be the most forceful!” -James, 9 years of kissing experience.
You don’t have to use your tongue through the entire make out session. If you want to just kiss without tongue too, it’s totally fine. When you ARE using tongue, your go-to move when Frenching can be a massage between your two tongues. You can also try different things and see what feels most comfortable.
“Switch up the rhythm and keep me guessing. I love when guys stop and go and keep it playful - stops it from getting monotonous.” -Gabby, 9 years of kissing experience.
Be gentle, be conscious of the cues the other person is giving you. If they pull their tongue away, maybe they just want to kiss without tongue for a while. That’s OK!
“There is nothing I like more than when my boyfriend gently bites my lip. It’s playful and sexy.” -Marie, 5 years of kissing experience.
This is very similar to the “upper lip” sucking tip, but instead it’s a light nibble on the bottom lip. This one takes some expertise. You do not want to go chomping down on your partner’s lip. Keep it light. It’s more like you’re grabbing your partner’s lip between your teeth, rather than biting. Try biting your own lower lip for practice.
“Be careful, like, pulling away from each other because of the slobber.” -Jess, 9 years of kissing experience.
Now, we are talking about tongue kissing here, so there will be some slobbery spit and teeth clanking involved. Don’t stress too much over it, just be aware that these things exist.
Occasionally, you will clank teeth with someone and that’s perfectly OK. Just go straight back to doing your thing, bb. It happens to everyone!
Which brings me to my last point:
By now, you might be asking yourself: How do I know if I’m French kissing well? We’re all self-conscious when it comes to kissing. We’re all self-conscious when it comes to, well, everything! Honestly, you don’t really get over the nervousness. Anytime you kiss someone new or try out a different form of intimacy, there’s going to be some internal doubt.
Just remember that we’re all trying to be impressive and sexy. No one actually knows what they’re doing. Kissing takes practice and chemistry with the right person. Not every kiss will be spectacular, and a few kisses will even be slightly miserable. It all comes with the territory! Relax, take a breath, and try to remind yourself not to force anything. Kissing is fun when it’s real and organic — not a performance — and that goes for French kissing, too.
More research is needed, but some limited studies have indicated it might be possible to pass HPV through tongue kissing. While HPV is most commonly spread through genital contact (which includes oral sex), some researchers have suggested that deep kissing may be a less common route of transmission, especially for oral HPV infections that infect the mouth and throat. It is also possible to pass Herpes virus (HSV1), the virus that causes the common cold sore, through kissing, even if the person doesn’t currently have a visible cold sore.
The bottom line: Kissing is a pretty low-risk activity overall, but understanding how things like HPV and HSV-1 can be transmitted will help you make informed choices and protect both yourself and your partner. And no, being informed doesn’t kill the vibe — it helps you kiss with confidence!
Related: 6 Things You Need to Know About Hickeys
